Kimmy ♥

High School Drama Pt. 1

2011-03-21T05:16:00.000-07:00

High school drama is so petty. I used to be a part of all of it, and at the time I thought of my issues as being top priority. But now that I'm on the outside looking in, it's petty and irritating.

I guess it's really not my place because I am so far out of the loop lately, and I don't exactly know what's going on play by play, but honestly? We're in high school, aren't we supposed to be at that point where we're beginning to mature? It's almost as if everyone is aging backwards.

People have problems figuring out their priorities in life, we can't get our acts straight, and we all care way too much. So much so that we are beginning to lose sight of what our priorities are, we are beginning to lose sight of what "straight acts" are, and we are beginning to lose people and issues in which we should care much more for. We have become a generation of neglegence and immaturity. One that must quickly find its path back to adulthood and maturity, or soon the world might actually go further to hell than it has already gone.

Recently, friends of mine have drawn this line in their "friendship." There is no longer that peachy atmosphere when I'm with them, we are no longer a group of happy bantering friends. Instead, we are a group of people divided three ways: the "right," the "wrong," and the "undecided." If you're in one half of the group, you automatically think you're in the right. If you're in the other half of the group, you think the opposing group is automatically wrong. And then of course, there is the third party group, the ones that refuse to take sides, but instead get pulled here and there, to and fro, the ones who thought by not chosing a side, life would be easier.

The feud was built up of insanely immature issues that ranged from gossip to being two-faced. What people seem to forget though, is that we can forget and ignore. One of the biggest problems in this "feud" is the fact that neither party has the will enough to turn their cheeks and walk away. If one party was to realize how immature the issue truly was, apologize, and then move on, there would be no issue. But instead, both sides refuse to talk to each other, try to make amends, and instead they go about bad mouthing each other. If something like this would actually help, I would be silenced, not another would would be spoken. But nothing is solved. No issues are resolved, and instead this stolstice drags on. Each party remains adamant and does nothing. Each day drags on, and instead of inching towards a resolution, both parties remain stubborn and badmouth each other.

The fingers are constantly pointed, "He said this to me about this and this," or "She said this about you and then said this, she's such a bitch." Honestly? We're supposed to be approaching adulthood. That means we're supposed to be growing up, we're supposed to be mastering the art of conflict resolution! What is happening!

UGH.
ANYHOW, I have an essay to write. I shall finish this rant later.

Kimmy

Am I Growing Up or Growing Down...?

2011-02-23T05:00:00.000-08:00

Gah! The dilemas of a high school teenager just never seem to end!

The past few days have been full of confusion. I haven't had the time to think and pin-point the exact reason for this confusion, but I'm going to take a guess.

My guess:
I lack time in life and I don't hang out with my friends as much as I used to so I've gone out of wack! This and I'm pretty sure I'm falling for a guy, but yet again, I'm not sure as to why...

So my freshman and sophomore years were full of fun and craziness. I was always out and hanging out with my friends. I used to go with my friends to shop and just enjoy my youth; I worked a lot, but not nearly as much as I do this year. This year, my junior year of hell, has been a roller coaster ride that seems to never end. Just as I endure one crazy slope of insanity, I find myself of another one. It's like everytime I fix something in my life, another something has to come and screw everything up.

An example would be my friendship. I talked to a trusted friend and he told me part of the reason for the distance I had been feeling with my friends was that they felt like I didn't care for them anymore, almost as if my work was more important than they were, and they disliked my "constant complaining and pessimism." I took a lot of that into consideration and got to talking with my friend. We talked and I cried a lot, and I mean a lot, like there seriously could have been a flood in my room, and then we were okay. Things were kind of straightened out. Then things were up an uphill climb again! I was sitting here trying to change but nothing I did would change my so-called "constant pessimism."

I thought about my dilema and though this might sound a little immature, I came to the conclusion that I honestly didn't think of myself as being a constanty complaining pessimisitc girl. My friends tell me I am, but honestly? This might sound mean, but I have a friend who constantly worries about her relationship with her firm and rock-solid boyfriend. I understand her worries and fears because she and I did go through a crap ton of stuff last year, but honestly? It gets to the point where she and I end up talking badly about a girl who for all we care, is just trying to make amends with us. I have a friend who always complains about her work (but it's almost justified because she has SO much work!) and yet no one says anything about her, I have a friend who is really unfortunate and just can't get a break when it comes to relationships, she doesn't show her pain a lot of the time, but she doesn't hide it all that well. The group of friends I hang out with is always weary and we always feel like we have to be cautious of what we say.

I admit, I do complain and I am a somewhat pessimistic, but a lot of it comes more from paranoia. I feel kind of upset? angry? that everyone else seems to have the right to complain or worry constantly or what not whenever they like without being shot down and yet I voice myself and get shot down. I'm paranoid, that I can admit to, but it comes with reason. My friends do have a lot of boundaries, but I think that the boundaries I have and the punishment that comes with crossing my boundaries are almost more severe than their punishment. As far as I'm concerned, my friends get grounded or don't get to hang out after school. If I do something wrong, first it starts with me getting yelled at, then escalates to me cowering because I don't to be hit, harsh words, harsh actions, and a constant stream of tears.

I do voice a lot of my complaints, but I feel like if not with my friends, then who else? Shouldn't my friends be the one to listen to me and try to help me and sympathize with me? And I don't complain 24/7, I'm not a pessimist 24/7, and I'm sure of this. But it's like my friends only see the negative in me. They don't see my jokes, they don't see my smiles, they don't hear my laughter, and they don't feel my joy.

I think another part of it has to do with my wish to be recognized. I want my friends to see how hard I'm trying. I want them to know that I really am working as fast as I can to try and make more time for them, I am thinking more before I speak to reduce the amount of complaint and pessimism, I am more cautious of what I say, and I do try harder than usual just to be a part of something. But I can't help but to feel disappointed. My effort goes unnoticed. Instead I have a friend who I consider to be my best friend tell me how I'm mean and overstepping lines and trying to make my little brother be something he's not because I scold him for doing things that are wrong. It's almost ironic because we had an AP English essay prompt during class that discussed the integrity of the nation in which we live in and how parents are almost encouraging the bad. You might ask, "Well why do YOU do the scolding and not your parents?" Because, my parents usually don't find out unless I tell them. "Why don't you tell them?" Because then it becomes hell in my home and I don't like it when I hear people screaming and yelling bad things, throwing things around, and breaking what little bonds we have built up over time.

I know I'm only an older sister to my brother, but if I don't catch him and shine the light to a better path for him, no one can. My parents can only do so much, and they're about ready to give up on everything now. My dad, he's already distant as it is, seeing as he was always at work and always away training. My mother, she's worn out, she doesn't know what else she can do. My parents are giving up on my baby brother. They're almost positive he'll end up poor and jobless when he grows up. Even the school can't do much. They just give him the detentions, lectures, and speeches, and I'm sure 99% of those lectures and/or speeches get through to him. If that's how it is, shouldn't it be my duty to uphold and push my brother forward? Shouldn't it be my job to give my brother that small light of hope no matter how bad things get? If not, then I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I know this is a rant, but no one has to read this right? When my rants are verbal people are going to hear me, but if it's here, then unless you want to read on, you don't really have to, right? I don't know. I started this entry with the intention of telling you all about my amusing day yesterday but it turned into this.

SO, while I'm on that subject, to a brighter subject! My crush as of recent. He's a nice guy, sweet from what I can tell, smart, and athletic. He's cute and he's funny. And most of all, he's different. He's not the typical guy from what I've gathered so far. I enjoy talking to him and I find myself in a constant stage of blush and shy away when I'm around him. Do I hear a fail? But we do talk, though, I'm pretty sure I come off as a total failure and dope in front of him. Eh... Oh well I guess? But it would be nice if he liked me back and told me... Tehe, yeah, I'm still a teenager inside so don't judge me! Hehe... :]

AND, I will tell you about my EPIC day yesterday. So, I got partnered up with my crush for a lab in AP Environmental Science, we did the lab, with a little difficulty seeing as we were both totally clueless. It was fun, he and I had our OMG WHAT HAPPENED! moments, but funny. I got to know him a little bit and that was nice. Then school ended. This is when the fun really started.

I met up with my four fav. girl friends and we decided that since it was a great day and we all wanted Starbucks, we'd go to Starbucks! So along we went all chirpy and such, and then there was a curb. My friends started to "crab-walk" the curb and soon I found myself joining them. We crossed by Popeyes and then suddenly the man sitting outside talked in Korean and was saying something on the lines of, "What are you doing in front of me?!" I thought he was directing the question toward me and so did my other friend who speaks Korean. But then we looked back and saw this other man who worked at Popeyes following us. We all busted out laughing. My friend and I walked up the hill normally while my other three friends did their little thing. Then we got to a middle school building and this teacher walked by. He saw my friends and busted out laughing and joking around saying things like, "DO I GOTTA CALL 911 TO TELL THEM WE HAVE TEENS WALKING IN A CIRCLE?!" Yes, very funny.

So we skipped along by, we go to Starbucks, I got my green tea frappacino (much love :]) and my other friends got their drinks. It was such a nice day that we sat outside and one of my friends wanted to take a picture of us all drinking Starbucks for an AP English assignment we were doing. We all agreed and we stood up so that the picture would be clear. For about five minutes we fiddled with the camera and tried to figure out how to set it so that we could put it on timer etc. Now by this time, this lady and her grand daughter I assume? and a man sitting in the table next to ours had noticed us. I guess we looked pretty rediculous because the man finally got up and said something like, "You know, I could always take the picture for you?" Of course we all busted out laughing again, the lady saying, "I was going to ask just before you!" And so we got our picture. We talked, then a friend and I figured it was time to go home so we said good-bye to the three friends already there and left.

So that about sums up the fun part of yesterday.

Today was pretty interesting too. My classes, eh, not all that fun. Seminar (homeroom, whatever you want to call it) was fun. I did the SSR (Silent Sustained Reading) for the 20 minutes and then figured I ought to go to the track coach's class to fulfill my duty as the track manager. Well, my crush is in that seminar, and he needed the lab sheet to fill out information on his. I took that and my track folder with me.

He wasn't there, but that didn't really bother me seeing as I had stuff to do. I finished my duties for track and then gave him the lab paper. Then we got talking about something, we ended up sitting down at computers (the track head coach is also a teacher who uses computers as part of his teaching) to talk and research etc. Fun, fun. He's a nice person. I really think he's cute. Bahahahhaha. I'm blushing. Ahahaha! But then seminar ended, I met up with my amigas and we went to Starbucks again... :D

Nothing really eventful happened on our way up. The friend I walked home with was having a bad day so she and I walked ahead and talked about it while the three other friends did their little curb crab-walk thing. We got Starbucks, talked, then I left to go home. I met up with two other underclassmen buddies while walking home and the girl and I made fun of the poor boy who had broken his ankle. Fun, fun. Oh, and I walked into this guy and he looked down at me like, "WTFudge!?" I kinda ran my way home after that.

And so, that about sums up today for the most part too?

UNTIL NEXT TIME!!!

Kimmy

Giving up?

2010-12-15T01:42:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a while since I last posted something on this blog, but today's post is not going to be happy. Not all of it anyways.

Lately, I feel like giving up. I can't help but to wonder why I live. I guess that's nothing new. But, for a short period of time, I thought there was something worth living for, you know, that thing called "love" or just strong warm feelings for someone. Right now, I'm scared out of my wits because it seems even that hope was too good to be true and I'm too afraid to confirm or prove wrong something that could make or break my hope. Life sucks. Ugh.

Kimmy

...

2010-09-05T17:47:00.000-07:00

I feel so hollow.
I thought I could hold on just for a few more years, but now I'm not sure. I feel so lonely and so... I just don't feel so great. I miss the way things used to be and the people I used to know. I miss being able to halugh just because I wanted to and not because I felt like it was appropriate to laugh at a certain moment.
I don't know what's wrong with me lately.

Kimmy

Junior C/O 2012

2010-09-01T23:36:00.001-07:00

I'm a junior now!!!!
Whoot!
Not really, dudes, being a junior is HARSH. I swear I've never felt so much pain before in my life! -jk-
But really, the workload is amazing Oo ;;

Nice, REAL nice.

2010-06-18T04:00:00.001-07:00

Yeah, that's what's been going through my mind all day. Isn't that nice?

When will it be my turn...?

2010-06-13T03:38:00.000-07:00

When will it be my turn to leave?

I'm so tired of this place that it's not even funny.

I don't remember the last time I felt so restless in one place. I used to wish that we would situate ourselves in a country and stay there longer than two years. Now, it has been almost six years and I want out of this country. I am tired of being here, seeing the same drama, same problems, same faces, every day. I want new, I want adventure, I want change; no. I NEED new, I NEED adventure, I NEED change. I want out so badly that its getting to my head.

I can't sit down in one place for more than ten to fifteen minutes, I'm constantly fidgeting. I almost got worried that maybe I had gotten ADHD or something. I can't stand the way my room looks, I can't stand the view from my room. I hate it here. I hate the people here. I hate the air here. I hate the cars here. I hate the bugs here. I hate the sunlight here. I hate the lies here. I hate the drama here. I hate the backstabbing here. I hate the regulations here. I hate the rules here. I hate the clubs here. I hate the phones here. I hate the paper here. I hate the teachers here. I hate the school here. I hate the education system here. I hate the tutors here. I hate the private tutors here. I hate it all. And that, my friends, is A LOT of hate. It's messing with my head... I hate it all.

I want to go away from this place, I want to start anew. I want to see the family that I haven't seen in years. I have never been given the opportunity to be close with them. I don't know them like most people know their cousins or just family in general. I don't think any of them even remember what I look like let alone who I am. I hate this place so much. I want to be away and done with this place. I'm so done with the drama and the overly emotional people who don't let things go. I'm done with the incompetant people and such.

I'm not a fan of traveling by plane but just right now, that's starting to look really nice. I think part of the reason for me wanting to leave so bad is because I went on three trips with the track team. Twice to Okinawa and once to Tokyo. Either way, being out the country was great, even if it wasn't for living purposes it was just nice to be away from this. I want to be away from this. I want to be given the opportunity to start anew. I wouldn't mind living in a boarding school for a few months as long as it would be away from here.

Everyone but me seems to be able to get what they want at least once in their lives. Everyone, that is, but me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have a great family and a handful of great friends... But then there are a few people... Man... They really put out the fire of what little greatness in this miserable world that there is. Eh... Nothing new there I guess... I mean it could be much worse, ya know? But... I just really want out...

I find myself crying every night, I'll have a nightmare, wake up, then I'll sit there looking through pictures and postcards and what not. I'll get online and talk to friends who I miss dearly... And then I just cry by myself some more... Nothing is as it seems, and its funny, because to my friends and the world around me, I'm the most cheerful worry free, tough, strong, etc. person they know. But in reality... I'm so broken up inside that I don't think the little needles can find enough string to piece up the pieces of my heart...

But oh well right?

Right...

Looking for a light... A way out...

Kimmy

Youth

2010-05-20T04:22:00.000-07:00

Haha, I laugh whenever I read my past blogs. I'm so naive, I wonder when I'll begin to grow up?

Either way, life is actually better without Justin so I'm all good. He wasn't worth the tears I shed for him or anything on that line. I feel upset that I wasted so many tears on him... But its okay because I'll replenish my supply of tears and then I'll let it out again on something more worth it!! :]

Life is confuzzling though, nothing fits together like it used to... Kind of sad but eh right?

Kimmy

Scars

2010-05-10T05:39:00.001-07:00

상처라는 것은, 영원히 아프고, 더 찌저지고, 더 고생시키는 것이란다.

영원히 나의 삶을 고통스럽게할꺼지...

Kimmy

I miss him.

2010-05-01T04:46:00.001-07:00

I hate my life so much right now.

I miss him so much and it hasn't been more than a few hours.

What's wrong with me?

Why do I miss him so much?

휴

2010-04-28T03:50:00.000-07:00

나 맨날 빙빙 돌고있었나?

아님 그냥 바보인가?

그것도 아니면 모야?

나 그냥 미친건가?

사랑은 사람을 살린다고 하는대,

왜 나는 아직 죽고있을까?

내가 몰 그렇게 잘 못했길래

이런 고통을 겪어야하나?

왜 맨날 나만 이렇게 힘들어?

왜 저 사람들은 웃고 재밌게 살고있는대

나는 홀로 집에서 울고 있어야돼?

나를 그렇게 싫어하나?

그게 아니면,

왜 맨날 나만 아픈거 처럼 느껴질까?

나 찐짜 미쳤나?

아니면 머릿 속에 모가 잘 못됐나?

휴... 힘들다

-애.나-

그이는 알까요?

2010-04-28T03:28:00.000-07:00

나의 사랑...
나의 아픔...
그이는 알까요?

나의 고통...
나의 고민...
그이는 알까요?

내가 언제부터 이렇게 약해졌나?
난 올래 강하고 흔들림 없는 벽 같은 존재였는대.
갑자기 왜 이렇게 무섭죠?
올래 이런 고민 안하는대...

그이를 만난후 몬가 달라졌어요.
마음이 약해지고,
머리속이 가물 가물해지고...
그이는 알까요?

그이는 나의 심정을 알까요?

그이는 매일 나의 가슴을 아프게하죠...
그런대 나는 그 상쳐을 버리지 않고,
마음속에 간직하죠...
왠냐면,
나는 그이를 사랑해서...

참 무섭내요,
그 놈에 사랑...

그이는 내가 이러고 있는걸 알게되면 아떻게 됄까요?
나를 피하면서 버릴까요?
아님 나의 비정상인 마음을 돌봐줄까요?

참, 궁굼하네요...

이러는 나의 자신 이 한심하네요...

하지만...
그이는 모를꺼에요...

-애.나-

Insecurities

2010-04-28T03:13:00.000-07:00

I don't think anyone realizes how fragile I am, and how insecure I am...

I play a pretty good "strong and confident" friend/sister/girlfriend role, as far as I'm concerned anyways I do. But what a lot of people don't know is that I'm probably one of the most insecure girls in the world. I hate it but its true.

I once sat in bed wondering why I might be so insecure and I came up with this theory/idea. I think I'm insecure because I don't let go of anything, my brain is a sponge without a filter. It takes in only the bad things and never lets go. I remember all of the most terrifying moments of my life, every big mistake, every hurtful thing, every embarrassing moment of my life, etc. And because of that I cannot let go and I cannot move on.

I'm so insecure that I'm afraid to do anything with my boyfriend because I don't want to lose him... Fml?

Death is a gift... And more to be said after... x]

2010-04-13T07:21:00.000-07:00

So I talk a lot about Jesse, and well this is another blog about Jesse. Just last week my friend Emily passed away and became a star too... I met her in a hospital when I was 8 years old. She was drawing really pretty portraits of people and she asked me if I wanted one. I said sure and well things just kind of shot off from then. I have a lot of good memories with her too, but one that has been coming back to me is not of her but of somthing that has been helping me cope...

I don't remember exactly how old I was or where we were when we talked about this but I do remember it was just about a month or so after a friend of ours died in a car accident...

I was crying hysterically at the funeral. Jesse was with me even though he wasn't close with Kent, the guy who had just passed away. We were both kind of sad and I was torn. I was upset and being young didn't help the pain at all. Immature and hurt I did nothing but cry for the next few days. I guess Jesse got fed up with it and so he was had me walk outside and sat me down on my porch. He looked me dead in the eye and asked me, "Where do people go when they're good and they die?" I looked up at him with tears lining my eyes, "Heaven." I knew the answer to that.
But I wasn't ready to answer the question he asked next, "Then why are you crying?"
I couldn't answer...
"When God thinks people are ready to come to heaven, He takes them and ends their misery in this corrupt world. Its like saying He knows they're ready to be in His house so He brings them home. When someone dies of a natural cause, its a gift from God. He's ending their pain and misery... He's taking them to the promised land... The place where there is no pain or misery!"

Now that I think about it... He's right. But that doesn't mean I want my friends to leave me here. Especially this one special person I have now... He's... awesome... No other way to describe him... He's just awesome! He's actually a flirt so I was like "Hm... should i risk it...?" But now I know its okay.

It all started with a bet. x] At Okinawa (Yes I was in oki!) and well I knew I liked him, so he made this bet with me, every place he made in each event (track thing) would be a kiss. I didn't think he'd do so good because I didn't know his workouts and skills that well. So when he placed in all four of his events I was like oh wow... Oh wow?!?!?! I kept pushing it off because I wanted to do it while we were alone... But he was never alone! So I ended up getting fed up with everyone and their pressuring. i walked into a room full of people and kissed him. Short and satisfied I walked off but OMG i was FREAKING out I was like really nervous... But ehehehe, that was my first. And then later I kissed him againa nd again and again... 10 times total... Yeah I'm so lame I'm counting... But I REALLY like him... Hehe... -Blushing- He's soo different and ... so sweet... And eheh... yeah... I'mma go... xD

GNITE!! :D

BANannaKIM

As Time Goes By.... Death

2010-03-31T05:25:00.000-07:00

As time goes by you tend to wonder about a lot of stuff. One of those things I wonder about is death.

We all die at one point in our lives, its just how things are, but do you ever think deeper into death?

I have. And especially today, my views on death and my thoughts on death have been changed a bit. I think.

I read an article this morning about a girl who commited suicide and couldn't help but to feel tears line the edges of my eyes. I thought to myself, "That girl could have been one of my best friends..." It was even more depressing and heart breaking because she was pushed far by the bullying of the people around her. She was pushed so much that she commited suicide. Something that should never happen to people who are so young. It kind of angered me too. The people who were bullying her so badly that she killed herself and went to hell, that's making me angry, but also the people who couldn't help her, or maybe didn't even know anything was happening to her or couldn't ease her misery. That poor girl was my age ya know...? Its just really sad and depressing... I wonder what was going through her mind...

More later, Can't think straight atm.

Kimmy

Stars

2010-03-23T05:32:00.000-07:00

So, I have an angel, he was my soul mate, but he's my angel now. His name was Jesse. He was my perfect angel. Sadly though, he left this world on July 7, 2009. Anyhow, Jesse was really different from other guys. He was wise for his meager 15 years of age. He left me with a lot of good memories, memories that would keep me strong. I don't remember everything word for word but this is basically what I've been remembering lately...

Setting: Lying down on the grass in my back yard in the states seven or so years ago... Starry night in Spanaway, Washington.

Jesse: Anna, do you know what stars are?
Anna: Big rocks in the sky?
Jesse: -Laughs softly- Nope.
Anna: Then what are they Jesse?
Jesse: They're angels.
Anna: Angels?
Jesse: Yep, angels.
Anna: Explain?
Jesse: Well, you know that when people die, they go to heaven, right?
Anna: Yep.
Jesse: But sometimes these people are sad to leave and they want to keep watch of the people that they love and care for. But they also want the people they're caring for to know that they are watching. So these angels went to God and asked Him and talked to Him about this. God smiled at the thought, and though He already had stars in the sky, He decided to change things a bit. He gave the angels permission to shine brightly and watch over their loved ones. You know that they're different from stars because when you look at them, they twinkle, like they're winking or waving at you. That's why you feel so good when you feel stars. You just can't help but to feel good because they're making you happy without you knowing it!
Anna: Oh...!
Jesse: But you want to know something sad?
Anna: Uhm, okay?
Jesse: -Deep sigh- My gram told me that sometimes its hard for the angels to see us now.
Anna: Why?
Jesse: Because she told me that the pollution is covering up the sky and making it hard to see us.
Anna: Oh... Jesse?
Jesse: Hmm?
Anna: When we go up there, we're going to be stars too, right?
Jesse: Yeah!
Anna: And... If one of us leaves earlier than the other... We'll watch over each others no matter what... Right?
Jesse: ... Of course, if I leave a little earlier I'll watch over you and keep you from hurting and I'll do my best to help God keep the devil away from you. You'll do the same for me too... Right?
Anna: Of course I will!
Jesse: Want to write a promise and put it in the box?
Anna: Oh wow! That'd be awesome!

We ran into the house and I remember us going crazy trying to find the paper and right color to write the promise in. We chose blue in the end. Why? Well, because at the time, Jesse and I both liked blue, and the sky is usually blue. We wrote it and put it in our little time capsule. The one that is still burried in my back yard under our cherry tree.

But lately I wonder if the promise still applies... Like our many promises, this one seems to be fading... There's been so much hardship that I wonder that maybe he forgot me up there in heaven. Or maybe he's just waiting for God's permission to help because God is putting me through a test. Whatever it is... I miss Jesse... And its too bad he's not here, because if he were, I'm sure he'd know what to do. He always did back then, and he probably would if he were still alive now.

BANannaMEMORY

Huh...

2010-03-16T05:42:00.000-07:00

Funny how I don't feel anything anymore.

I should be bawling my eyes out, and screaming and... Reacting. But all I feel right now is nothing. I feel numb I guess, because I seriously don't feel anything. No reaction, just nothing.

I just found out my cousin's unborn baby died while she went through early labor last night. And, I got results from a test thing back, and I guess I'm minorly depressed? Does that even make sense?

Funny though. Because I really don't feel anything. Maybe its because after a while, feeling so much, you get to be nothing but numb. Hm..

Funny...

BANannaHUH

Nature at its best...

2010-03-16T04:54:00.000-07:00

Just a pictures that I took on my many journeys...

Don't trust a hoe.

2010-03-13T04:24:00.000-08:00

I used to laugh whenever I heard those four words. But now when I hear those four words I get chills everywhere in my body. Nothing functions right and my mind turns into jelly. I am able to think of nothing and instead I am crowded by thoughts of hatred, jealousy, and anger. These thoughts are ruining my person, they are poison to my system; my heart, my mind, and my soul.

No longer am I able to think without having my thoughts tainted by rude, vulgar, and harsh images, feelings, and emotions. I feel so much hate that it hurts to think now. But still, even having considered all the options on terms of what I can do, I don't think any of the ideas would work. And that my friends, is not only nerve racking but it is like death. It is like a slow painful death that cannot be delayed. I feel like I am destined to a path that leads me to nothing but death. I am to die a slow painful death.

Miserable as I am, I am grateful for one thing. That one thing I am grateful for is most definitely the best form of support, my family and my one true friend (so far), A.H. I have friends like M.S. as well but I'm not quite sure how loyal or supportive she is of me. I know also that I have a great handful of people whom I once considered to be my friends, but now I am not sure who I can trust and who is truely a friend. This one "hoe" has made it impossible to trust anyone. These lies have become so large and un apprehendable that I cannot trust even the most reliable friends...

As if this was all not enough... I have many other fears and issues. One of which is my faith... It is hindering. I have come to find myself questioning my Savior. It is a grave sin that I have to correct but I'm not sure how... I'm stuck...

What has my life come to?

BANannaHELP

Has time already...

2010-02-24T03:30:00.000-08:00

...passed by so fast? The days edge forward and its almost time... I can't help but to miss you more and more as the days go by. The sun was shining and by His grace, but only to remind me of what lies ahead. By what grace was I left here while you left? By what cursed blessing was I left alone here on this earth of misery while you left to spend your life in eternity? I miss you.
It's that time of the year, the one where most parents rejoice that their children have survived another year. My soul mate, Jesse, should have been turning 16 on the 26th of February... But he had an early appointment with God and so here I am waiting for that day to come... So that we can celebrate his birthday, me and him. Just like it used to be. I was told by his sister that I was a fool to be hurting myself and reminding myself of him but there was something I promised him I'd do on his 16th birthday for him. And I plan on doing it. It hurts though, because this event, his 16th birthday, was supposed to be special, with us surrounded by friends.

But now its us me. I asked a friend who used to be close to Jesse and me if she remembered who's birthday was coming up. She looked at me like I was crazy and asked, "Who's?" When I said, "Jesse's," She looked at me yet again and said, "Oh, the dead guy?" How could she say something so... So hurtful?

It was like someone had stabbed a dagger through my heart all over again. I saw him in my arms again, as he breathed his last breath. I miss him. I hate him for breaking our promise. He left me here. My angel, probably too busy enjoying his life in heaven, has forgotten me. Or so it feels anyways. Still my heart aches for him and though I've accepted his death I always feel sad... Hurt...

I miss him with every cell in my body, my every being craves to remember his touch, his voice, his smell, his many wonderful corny-jokes. But with the months that have gone by I remember less of him. I remember what he looks like, and his voice, and his smell, but I forget what his many jokes were, or what his favorite clothes were, or where he liked to go when he was with me. I'm forgetting him and I'm afraid. What if the day comes where I forget him and I need his presence?
His sister tells me that his mom has already removed all traces of him in their house in attempt to ease his father's pain. It hurts me to know that someone suffers so much as to get the point where the only solution is to forget of his existance. I talked to his father and well... He wasn't his old merry self anymore.

M: Hey Daddo.
D: Hey Kiddums!
M: How've you been...?
D: Just... Empty but that's okay. And you sweet heart?
M: I've been better, things aren't like they used to be.
D: ... Before Jesse...?
M: ...
D: Its okay, you can say it sweetie.
M: ... I miss him.
D: ... Me too honey, me too...
M: Then how come you're letting them take his memory away from you?
D: Because Kiddum, it hurts too much. I don't know how you've been coping, but I think my age has made me weak.
M: Then what happens when I need to talk to you about Jesse...? What happens when the day comes and you need to remember him?
D: Then I'll turn to you, my strong little bug!!
M: Aw Daddo... You can't be serious about forgetting him...?
D: -Sigh-...
M: ... His birthday is in three days...
D: ... I know.
M: I'm doing something special for him...
D: I knew you would. Thank you.
M: For what?
D: For keeping my son alive through your memories.
M: ...
D: I have to go Kiddum, I love you and I pray that God keeps you strong. Thank you.

.........

That's almost exactly the conversation we had. I cut out most of the middle and such but it hurt. I could tell that everytime he mentioned Jesse he held back tears. I saw his pain and it pained me even more to know that such a strong man had been degraded to such an emotionally unstable person...

BANannaHURT

Surrounded by Lies

2010-02-20T05:56:00.000-08:00

Throughout life you come to experience many differet types of lies; white lies that are used to protect you; honeybee lies (I learned this type of lie as to be honeybee lies) that are used with sarcasm so you know that its a lie but its like when you ask your boyfriend "Am I pretty?" and he smiles and says "Course you are!"; then there's the lost lie, which is when the lie is told by someone who doesn't know what they say is a lie; and then there is the cold lie, the one that's used to trick you and hurt you.
I've only lived 15 years and I've experienced each type of lie already. I've had people tell me white lies to protect me from the cold truth. I've had people tell me honeybee lies to make me happy and to see me smile. I've had people tell me lost lies because they really didn't know. And then I've had people tell me cold lies, lies that chill you and hurt you and tear you to pieces. The ones that have real sin weaved into them.

I'm tired of lies. If there's one thing in the world that I hate almost as much as the devil himself, its lies. It doesn't matter if they're white, honeybee, or lost lies. The only difference is the time it takes me to forgive the person for lying to me. Cold lies are forgivable too but it takes a lot of time. And with these lies the people who tell them lose a piece of my trust. But I guess thats okay to them because they don't realize it and some of them continue to lie behind my back and hurt me.

Still lies like honeybee lies and lost lies, I can usually get over because one is to make me happy and I usually know its a lie, or to that person it might not be a lie. Lost lies are things that usually aren't meant to be lied about so its okay.

But there are white lies, I'd rather know what was coming at me then to be clueless and find out later. That just pisses me off and makes me disappointed in the person and makes me wonder, "Do they really think I can't handle something like that?" And cold lies. If someone tells me a cold lie they lose my trust little by little. Depending on how big the lie is they could just full out lose my respect for them too. But eh right?

BANannaUGH

Nostalgia

2010-02-18T04:39:00.000-08:00

Nostalgia

1. A wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time: a nostalgia for his college days.

2. The condition of being homesick; homesickness.

3. A wistful or excessively sentimental sometimes abnormal yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition.

4. A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past.

I feel... Nostalgic. I miss how things used to be. I have a bittesweet longing for my past, the past that gave me joy for no reasons. The past where I could be happy just by doing the smallest thing. In my past, before, I could smile and do what ever I wanted and be happy without reason. Being happy came naturally to me, but now, its almost as if someone turned off the happy switch inside me. What the hell happened to me!?

I have this strong yearning for what I used to have, so strong that I almost went on my knees and begged my father to buy me a plane ticket to where ever. Anywhere but HERE was perfect. But it hit me fast and hard right then, no matter where I go, if this isn't fixed here and now, its going to catch up to me. Its going to come back at me two times harder than before. And if I don't fix this here and now it will ruin me, forever.

When I think back, into my past I mean, I feel this sense of loss inside of me. Its like there's a HUGE hole there now. One that can no longer be filled with what ever was there before. Hurt doesn't even begin to describe what I feel when I think about this loss. Someone or something stole something that is dear to me, something that I can no longer replace. It feels like this gaping hole inside me cannot be filled in ever again. It feels like I will grow old and with time there will be cobwebs and dust in that hole. I cannot help but to wonder to myself, "God, what have I done so wrong as to deserve this?" Still much to my disappointment there is no answer yet.

Prayer...
I am hurting, I need you Father. Help US. Help THEM. We NEED You Father, only Your light can help us through this mess... Help me Father. Help me be strong. Help me see right from wrong, help me. Help me be the "mother" of this group of loved ones. Let them see not a weak and feeble girl, but a strong and courageous daughter of God. Let Your light shine through me, so that I may share it and see it in my family and friends. Give me the courage I need to not be afraid but to face these demons head on Father. Forgive us of every sin Father, wash us clean and let our hearts be purified. Let our souls yearn for you Father, so that when we find YOU our hearts will accept you and let you in. Help us in our struggle. Forgive our every sin Father... The sin of lies, the sin of not caring, the sin of blunt blindness, the sin of hurting others, the sin of putting upon others the blame that should be on us. Father help us. Purge our souls of this misery... Let us rely on your power and strength and love Father...

In your Holy name I pray,
Amen.

BANannaHOPE

Save me?

2010-02-16T05:34:00.000-08:00

Save me from this misery,
I was okay but now he's back,

I am lost and without hope,

God,

Please,

Save me from this...

Save me from the fear that grips my heart,

Be my salvation,

Save me from the horror that grips my soul,

Let there be a wall of fire around the ones I love,

Keep them safe.

Help me.

This wasn't supposed to happen,

Running away was supposed to have fixed it,

Where are those angels?
Where is my Jesse?

Where are my angels from heaven?
How am I to live when every sound startles me?

How am I to survive when every moment I fear for my life?
How am I to live knowing that everyone is in danger?

Keep him away from me,

My nights are labored because I cannot rest,

I am a mess now because I am so scared and exhuasted,

Save me...

BANannaSCARED

2010-02-14T05:44:00.000-08:00

Today her soul was laid to rest,
Away from this miserable pest.

Yeah, I know my poetic side sucks, but its okay. Those two lines tell two different stories. One is about me saying good bye to a certain special baby, Emma Lee. She was born premature and because of organ failure she was in pain and she was dying, not even a full year old. Her parents, Pastor Eddie and his wife, decided to let their first child go and stop her pain. They turned off life support and now she is no longer a part of this world of misery. In a way I am glad for her, why? Because she never will endure the pains of life, she died pure and innocent. I am also sad for the same reason, she will never know life for what it is. She will not endure anything, she was not alive long enough to know the joys of love of friends and of a special being.

Those two lines also tell a story of a girl, who laid what was left of her heart and soul to rest away from the miserable pest called life. She was fine until all this crap started to go down in her life, she went from being a optimistic girl to a pessimistic lady. She loved life and then she had to move to a foreign country. She thought life was great until she came into highschool. She was alone and angry, God had taken her two best friends from her and left her there alone. She was mad at life. She hated Korea. Then her freshman year went into play. It was not as bad as she thought it would be but then her sophomore year began. It started with a bitter sweet relationship. Then everything went wrong. Now she hates Korea, she hates life, and she is beginning to doubt God.

Fuck it all.

BANannaPISSED

Special Day

2010-02-13T05:18:00.000-08:00

So, today started out as one of those days where it was just like, UGH. I woke up with a serious hangover headache and it sucked. I thought to myself, I have a bad feeling about today... But it didn't matter. I was determined to get out today. And not only because I was bored, but because I just needed out. Being home on a Saturday is NOT fun. So my wonderful love and belt (inside joke), AH, called me up and she planned out a hang out. I got ready and realized I had some time so I killed time while doing homework and checking my mail and what not. So then it came time to go out so I went out and much to my amusement, my boyfriend, SR, and my bestie, AH, both texted me saying they would be about 15 minutes late. SUS-PI-CI-OUS! Haha, but eh, I was too cold to care. By this time my phone was dying so I walked ALL the way back home and then all the way back to run an errand for my mom then ALL the way back again. That's four times going from home, to there, to home, to there. So I was tired and cold. I took off my shoes and was sitting on my bed taking a breather when all of a sudden I get a call from a friend, JR. I was like surprised because I didn't know he was coming.

We talked on the phone and he kept asking me where exactly I was so I kind of laughed but told him. Then I could have sworn I heard someone but eh, I was cold, I was probably hearing things. So I finally make it to the meeting place and I see AH with him! I was somewhat surprised but didn't really bother to ask. So we said hi, we talked then we tried calling another friend, RG, someone who was supposed to show up but wouldn't pick up! Then we called SR and of course he told us he'd be late. We discussed which karaoke we were going to and I thought I had told him specifically that we were going to the one closest to my house so JR, AH, and I walked to that karaoke. Then when we got there and had paid, just before we started, another friend, AC, asked us where we were. We told them we were at Reeya (the name of the Karaoke place) and he freaked. They had gone to Harmony, which was like a 10 minute walk away in the cold from Reeya. I got pissed because I had to walk back for the 5th time that day! So anyhow we walked back and much to my surprise I saw SR with AC and I also saw a cute little thing set up on a table with cards and plants and that's when it hit me. IT WAS A SURPRISE! And guess what? I had ruined it! Agh! I always do this!

So yeah, I freaked a little more, just more in shame and embarassment than anything else. So we kind of sat there and they explained to me what was really going on. Apparently AH was feeling grateful for everything me and KC had done, and she wanted to give us a little something back. She found out KC couldn't come but she still wanted to do it for me so she did but plans got really wacked up. But in the end it was okay. Then later RG came and we all had fun, SR, RG, AC, JR, AH, and me I mean. Sadly though I was suffering from major headaches and I guess I took one too many painkiller pills because I was slightly woozy. Eh, I don't think I was but thats what RG said. So eh. We decided to leave after we finished and they all came to my place and we kind of just hung out there while AH and I showed the boys our diagram of doom! LOVIOSHIMA (Another inside joke from a sleepover AH and I had together a week or so ago)!! They got a kick out of that and then from there we just kind of hung out. Nothing more or less ya know?

Then they had to leave because part of the surprise was AH's mom was cooking dinner for us but sadly I got stuck at home because my parents love planning crap without me or my brother knowing. So I stayed home while everyone else left and went to go eat at AH's place. It was funny though, because as soon as I had come back inside after saying bye to the in the elevator I saw AC's hat and was like NO! So I went crazy and called RG because his number was the first one I saw on my call history and was yelling at him to not go anywhere and etc. I went out and as SOON as I opened the door I saw them there. I got surprised and felt my heart beat like 100x a minute. I crumpled to the ground and etc. Then he told me he forgot his scarf and etc. and that they had forgotten to get the little Valentine's Day presents I made them. So I gave it to them and then they FINALLY left to go eat dinner.

I ate dinner at home with my mom, grams, and my brother. Then I got bored and because I couldn't think of anything better to do I started playing computer games when they called. I picked up and they were having fun while I sat playing games and attempted to help my friend. I got kind of irritated that I was having such "fun" while they were actually having fun. Then to make things worse my mom was being a butt and yelling at me about my grades and such. So in the end I just hung up and yeah. Funny enough though, they called and talked about "kidnapping" me and taking me out for fun. This is only because they knew how bored I was but eh, that wasn't happening anytime soon. I told them no but that maybe they could come over and just chill at my place. That didn't work out so well because my parents totally beeeped at me and yeah. So now here I am blogging while my friends are having a blast. Whoopee.

Still in the end, I had a good day, if I had to rank it 1 to 10, 1 being the worst and 10 being the best, I'd give it a good solid 8. I'm really a lucky gal, I have great friends who love me! They're actually more of a family to me, hehe, so yeah. I love them. And now because I have nothing better to do I'm going to go play some more computer games... Haha...

Loving The New Addition To My Family,

BANannaJOY

Get to know yourself better...

2010-02-13T04:43:00.000-08:00

I took this crazy quiz/test thing and wow it is almost scarily accurate!

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Here is the analysis:

You've got great self-confidence and you're full of charm. Most guys who get to know you will be attracted to you. You are far from sweet and proper; your intriguing personality fascinates them. Most guys find it easy to fall for a girl like you.

You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.

You strictly follow rules, and you expect other people to be the same as well. People can get tired of you easily, as you can make them feel a little guilty about themselves. You always make decisions on your own, and can be dismissive of other people's advice. You like to be the leader in groups, but can forget to be concerned about the people you are with.

Your peers think of you as a fun person, but sometimes you can be a little irresponsible. You can be somewhat childish, and can try to ignore the fact that you will one day need to really grow up and be a mature adult! Perhaps you could start reading good books; they might help you look at the world in a different light. You do want to be taken seriously, right?

Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Thats the link for the first quiz/test.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test81.aspx

Thats the link for the second quiz/test.

Rainbow Tears

2010-02-10T04:39:00.000-08:00

Give your heart time to reason with you before you block it out...
Because if you don't...
You'll just hurt it more...

When you feel that nudge from inside and you see those two figures on your shoulders you should stop and listen to them. Sometimes they talk a lot of crap, but most of the time its your deeper self thinking about the problem at hand... The problem that usually you have an answer to... Just you don't want to listen to it. You see those two bickering on your shoulder and ignore them. But really that just hurts you more, it hurts your heart and your sanity. It hurts your better judgement and it hurts everyone around you, because believe it or not, when you hurt, they hurt.

I have these two great friends, I'm not going to use their names but I will use their initials, KC and AH. They're the greatest gals in the world and I met both of them during cross country. I didn't know KC or AH very well in the beginning and I thought that I would never get to know them. But as time flew by we got close and then well now I love them both like sisters! But... Its funny... The three of us, we're twisted together into this big bunch and its just... Yeah! Like our fates are seriously twisted together into this big tapestry! What makes it funnier is that a lot of what happens is because of things going on around us.

Our most recent discovery is that the three of us like this one single guy, an ex of mine, RG. What sucks even more than the three besties liking the same guy is that guy going around and telling each of us he likes us. Its sick and it makes me wanna hurl. I've been played a few times and each time it hurts, but NEVER have I been played like this. I cried so hard last night that I was surprised I could open my eyes this morning. Never have I felt a pain so deep... Something that scarred me so much inside... As if the crap I go through at home wasn't enough? As if losing touch with some of my friends isn't enough? As if all the drama I have invading my poor life isn't enough? And I feel terrible because I know, even now as I complain, that there are people who have it much harder than I do. But I have to say something... Because if I don't, I don't know what I'll do... If I don't let this out, I know something inside me is going to be lost, forever.

Anyhow... I cried last night because so much was hurting me and I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. I was hurting deep down. I miss my life from before. I miss EVERYTHING. I thought I was over RG but I realized I wasn't when I felt guilty for being jealous of KC and AH, because he had kissed them both. He probably never got around to kissing me because I knew to keep distance... And as much as I wanted him I knew I was going to regret it. So I never let him in, and well now I wonder if I should have kept him with me. Maybe if I'd done that he never would have gotten around to screwing around with two of my best friends. I don't know. But it hurts. A lot. I know that I could have stopped all that crap from happening yet I didn't know it. So not only am I hurt, but I'm lost. And speaking of lost, I'm losing sleep over so much stuff lately that its amazing no one's noticed yet. Maybe I should be proud of my acting skills and my wonderful physically recovering body?

I hate how things work lately though... So today I finally went through my after school detention, and guess who found out? CA, a friend who really grinds on my nerves lately. He went and told a lot of people about it. And quite frankly, that pissed me off. I don't like it when people go around saying crap about my life when its MY LIFE and they know NOTHING about it. Like another dear friend, someone who has also grinded on my nerves a lot lately, AC. He keeps thinking that he knows everything then he goes and brags about it to everyone when in reality, he knows not even the smallest finger's worth of what goes on. And to make everything worse, I feel like all my anger and hurt is pushing me further away from God.

I was praying last night and I kept getting distracted, I'd be praying for one thing but then all of a sudden I'd think about that thing I was praying for and get so off topic that my prayer was just me ranting to myself! Ugh... Maybe all I really need is a long day of nothing but time with God...

I need help... My body, mind, heart, soul... They're all too exhuasted now... Nothing more I can say...
I want out.

Needing to let my heart reason with me before I block everything out...

BANannaSAD

Drive by Katie Chung

2010-02-08T04:49:00.000-08:00

Stop. Calm down. Look at me.

Take the wheel.

Breathe.

I wonder if life’s the same? I wonder if in just one moment, I’ve discovered ten words that can describe the way we strive to live for each other. Life’s just a long road trip down to either Hell or Heaven. Whether you like it or not, the drive is going to have some technical difficulties: you being the car and fate being the terrain. Sometimes it’s going to be a little rocky; sometimes it’s going to be forgivingly smooth. Now, say that you’ve been driving a little bit slow to enjoy the smooth part of the road for a while, but you want to go a little faster. So, you start to speed up a little bit, and a little bit and a little bit more.

You start to lose control.

We hit the brakes, but in life there are no brakes attached. You cannot reverse or pause on the road that keeps moving, no matter how ready or unprepared you are. When you start losing speed and start getting back to a normal pace, the road inclines. The road becomes unrelentingly rocky. And just when we think we won’t make it, we reach the top of the hill to make a smooth recovery going back down. We must work to deserve that downhill. When does the road end? That’s where it gets complicated. We’ll run out of gas, take a wrong turn, run into a dead end, or lose control.

It’s just that simple.

Where is life taking you now? Nowhere? Or somewhere that you aren’t sure of yet? How fast are you going, miles per hour? A steady slow forty-three? Or a jarring ninety-five? I wonder if you’d get arrested if you went over the speed limit. But then again, I see no sign with a speed limit; I merely see a sign, suggesting a relatively safe speed, that’s been knocked down by a battered car. No matter how many times people give us hints and advice, we end up shoving the bits and pieces of words aside and we try to live our own ways. We want to be strong and independent. And so, if we are not strong and independent, we pretend that we are.

We are allowed to cry.

Say that there’s a Dear on the road in front of you: right in front of your car. You can’t swerve in time to avoid hitting the Dear. You hit the Dear. Since you cannot stop driving forwards, you strain your eyes to the rearview mirror and see the damage you’ve caused. You’ve just hit an innocent bystander. In the process, the car has been dented—scarred—with the imprint of an unnecessary death forever etched into your heart and your car. There will be more accidents and more scars added. But a time will come when you’ll become better at driving around the innocent and you’ll be able to prevent injury and learn from mistakes.

It may be a one-way road, but you are not alone.

Someone will always be driving in front or in back of you. Try rolling your window down and try reaching out to talk to someone in front or in back of you. It’s not in the least bit scary, and it’s very rewarding. The person up ahead, or behind you, is lonely too. We all suffer, though not at the same time, and it makes us need a companion to stay by our sides until that road stops stretching. We have to have friends, ones that we can rely on. Some will drive away from you eventually, but others will come and stay forever by your side.

We are all human; therefore, we are weak.

Have you ever seen a car accident happen right in front of your eyes? When cars collide, the impact is astonishing. No one can even describe the smashing and crumbling of the invincible Volvo and the absolute demolition of the Dodge Caravan. No. Physically, a car crash is devastating and horrifying. Mentally, a car crash is fatal and life changing. Everything is weak and vulnerable in its own sense; humans just seem to be at the top of the rung. You see the cars speeding towards each other. You call out in shock, but you already know the outcome. The drivers’ faces turn from one of weary irritation at traffic to those of terrified panic. The cars smash into a formation much like that of two crumpled accordions. The image is heartbreaking. The drivers are in their own state of death; blood is splattered on the hard black cement of the road and the two people are sagging against their seatbelts that they’d put on in hopes of safety.

Life’s a story of death.

Introduce the black dresses and veils and see where that will lead any of you. You clothe yourself in your agony and despair while shielding your face with a gauzy netted material. Will that protect you? A friend perished on the spot of the accident and you’re going to attend the funeral. How good of a friend is—was—this person to you? Did this friend deserve your best black dress? Should you even bother with the veil? You drive down to the funeral and notice that, when you got there, the amount of people gathered there for one person is astounding. And they are all crushed in spirits. You sit in your car and tears run down your face as you think about this. If one person can cause this much pain to this vast amount of people, then imagine the state our world must be in.

The world is happily ignorant.

Such a place can only be filled with bittersweet pleasures that sedate our wailings for oh so long. So you strive to find something better to soothe your ache for something sweet: love. There is a large controversy as to what love truly can be defined as. Some say love is a cold two-faced emotion that is a person’s weakness. Some say that love is a beautiful gift to be shared with just the right person. Others define love as a fleeting thing to be caught and carpe diem-ed into one night stands. There’s no clear definition for it, but yet the world acknowledges its existence. Amazing, is it not? With love, even the long dreary car ride on the road of life can be bearable.

But most people often fail to see that in order to love, you must be willing to forgive.

You must be willing to say sorry. If you decide to cut someone on a road or accidentally forgot it was someone else’s time to drive at a turn, then you must be willing to say, “I’m sorry.” But you must also be willing to say, “I forgive you,” or “it’s all right.” Sometimes it’s not so easy to forgive or admit apology. That is the lesson of life the world must learn. Mistakes happen all over the world. Mistakes happen every passing second. Someone could have given birth to an illegitimate child right now as you finish this sentence. Someone could have taken a wrong turn on the way to work. A student might have copied down the wrong assignment for the next Biology class. Mistakes are rampant in this society, therefore you must have the ability to say, “I forgive you” as you yourself make mistakes every moment of your own life.

Breathe. Ease your foot off the brake.

Slowly push down on the accelerator.

Now.

Go.

iono who said this but...

2010-02-02T04:17:00.000-08:00

"When you're a beautiful person on the inside, there is nothing in the world that can change that about you. Jealousy is the result of one's lack of self-confidence, self-worth, and self-acceptance. The Lesson: If you can't accept yourself, then certainly no one else will." I got this from my friends FB status... its so nice...

If only they knew...

2009-12-05T01:25:00.000-08:00

So I was talking to someone and they told me that I did stupid things that only hurt me. I got mad because if that person had known the thought and reason that went behind a lot of what I did, they wouldn't even dare thinking that.
Case 1:
I was with this guy I met in the beginning of the year... And dear souls, I fell for him. I fell hard. But as time progressed I had new friends and I found out that one of my best friends liked him. And I also knew that I was hurting him and that my friend could do so much more for him. She would treat him so much better. At this same time, another one of my best friends, a guy this time, liked me. He'd liked me for about 5 1/2 ~ 6 years. He was afraid that he'd move and never get his chance to show me who he was. So here I am stuck in between these strings of supposed "love". I'll be honest with you, I did sort of like my best friend who knew me from 5th grade. But I really liked the guy I was with at the time. Still, as time progressed, my best friend, let's call her "Jane" for now, really liked my current boy friend at the time, let's call him "Jack". And I knew that, let's call the third friend "Jake", really wanted to go out with me before he left if he ever left.

I also knew that Jane was falling hard for Jack and every time she saw me with him, she was hurting. So I decided to do something that would kill me little by little inside. I knew I would come to regret this decision later but what could I do?! I didn't have anyone there at the time to talk to. One of my better friends, let's call him John, decided he was going to cut off from me. Then the other friends I had were too busy with their own lives and drama to care for mine. They were much too busy venting and telling me to care about what was happening in my life.

Which brings me to the venting of what was happening in my life at the time...
I was having a HARD time. My brother decided school and religion wasn't good enough for him. He was so into skating that his grades weren't great. I was desperate to show him you could do everything at once. Which was why I joined like four clubs, and did the cross country managing. My parents, they were constantly fighting, mostly because my brother's grades and because the atmosphere at home. My dad was planning on retiring from the military and there weren't any jobs at the time. We were worried that we wouldn't find a job and that we'd be shipped back to America only to live in a house struggling to find a job. So everything that went wrong, even the smallest things like a piece of dirt on the ground, or a crumb on the table, set off a catastrophe. Because of this I knew better than to ask for too much or to say anything. Still I gave my dad the stink eye and got grounded.
Then adding to this, I was sick. I knew it, my parents knew it, and so did the rest of my family. Because of that my parents were even more stressed. They kept asking themselves, "How are we going to deal with this child's medical bills if we don't get a job? How can we keep her up and running? What if she dies?" and all of those questions. But I knew I would be fine, yet everytime I said so they'd yell at me and get mad at me. So I just gave up on that.
As if what was happening wasn't bad enough my social life was turning to trash. I couldn't get my life straigh. And I was pushing one too many things into an already wrecked schedule. My skin was getting really messed up and my sleeping habits were even worse than before. My life felt like it was coming to an end.

But yes, that is what I was dealing with at the time when I was worring about Jane, Jack, and Jake. John was just MIA. My foundation pillar was gone and so the building was falling apart. Anyhow, so I made my decision. I would give Jane her chance and lessen her pain. I would give Jack he chance to find the girl who would really make him know how special he was. And I would give Jake the chance he wanted. But... I would have to hurt myself inside... and outside too as I later found out.

I broke up with Jack and let Jane have her way... I hated her so much deep inside and Jack too. Jane for liking the one guy in the world that she shouldn't like and Jack for doing what ever he did to make her like him. And Jake asked me out and we began to go out. And at this time John decided to come to the rescue, a little bit late... But early enough that I didn't end the life I was living. Though I tell you now I had no intentions of ending my life, as miserable as it was...

Things began to look up, my father got a job, my brother was smart and chose the better path, his grades raised, my life became slightly easier because cross country season ended and I didn't have to manage. And everything was looking up... Still I felt a pang of guilt and some random emotion in my heart. I realized a little bit too late that I didn't want to give up Jack and I didn't want Jane to like him and be with him. I realized too late that though I liked Jake, Jack was the one I actually wanted to be with at the time.

And so my life came slowly to a stop. It hurt. I'm hurt. I don't know what to do. I thought I was doing everyone a favor but in reality, I was hurting everyone more. Can you imagine how hurt Jake would be if I told him the truth or that I didn't want to be with him? And Jane, I told her today that I hated her but I loved her more as my best friend and that is why it hurt more, can you imagine the pain that must cause her...? And dearest Jack... He told me he still likes me and that he would wait for me if I asked him... I know that must hurt him... And a friend told me that when I hugged Jake, that Jack looked away and looked like he was going to scream in agony. I hate myself for what I've done. All I ever wanted was for everyone around me to be happy... But I just made it worse... And John, can you imagine how annoying it is to hear me whine about my problems like this to him all the time? How annoyed he must be hearing about the stupid mistakes that I've made? Mistakes that should never have been made...

In Denial...

Kim

The bitter sound of jealousy and self pity.

2009-12-05T00:24:00.000-08:00

So not too long ago I dumped someone. I thought it was the right thing to do. But now I find myself upset. Why? Well:
1. I'm packing and that always makes people upset.
2. My "best friend" likes the guy I dumped.
3. I think I still like him and I know he still likes me.
4. I'm with someone else and I feel guilty.
And dang.. yeah.. I'm mad. at her. at him. at me.

I Wish

2009-11-06T23:16:00.000-08:00

Just once in my miserable excuse of a life, I wish things would be better...

I hate life so much right now. Its not really my life, I just hate all of life. I feel disgusted that God would be willing to put me in this predicament. I live with an over protective, ex-military, over organized, overly strict, father. He makes every day in my life a living hell. I wish he'd go away like he used to. I miss the days where he'd be gone weeks at a time, only being home for two to three days at max. But now he's home all the time and he doesn't have anything better to do. So he makes fun by making my brother, me, and even my mom miserable.

I hate how things at school are too. I can't do anything without getting glared at. People are making my life miserable. And being me, I'm too stupid to do anything about it. Which, I guess in turn, means I don't deserve any better treatment than I'm currently getting. Either way, my life at school is miserable. Not my grades or academically, just life and socially. I have all A's this quarter, 3 A's and 4 A+'s, which is great. But then socially... Well on one side, I'm doing great. I've made a lot of friends this year, sadly, a lot of them are leaving this year too. And for some odd reason a lot of guys seem to be attracted to me. Which is good, kind of odd, but good. Most of them are my friends but still, they like me. So I'm doing good on that side. But then, there's a population of people, mostly seniors and a few juniors, who hate me. Why? Because I dumped a senior. So for the past few days I've taken a lot of crap from a lot of people, but now its getting out of hand.

I miss having friend to go to for everything. I miss my two best friends who just happen to be in the states. I hate that I'm stuck in Korea for another two years. I hate that I can't do anything without being upset about it.

I wish I could change some things in my life...

Kimmy

Diary: 9-20-09 R.I.P. Nicole Silsby

2009-09-20T00:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I just got devastating news today. I was talking to a friend of mine when I got this call. I ran and got the phone only to hear a piece of truely... heart breaking... news... My friend, Nicole Silsby... she died on the 3rd of July. Her family was calling all of her closest friends to let us know. I knew she'd be away in Carthage for a bit, but I didn't know that she had... died. When I asked if everyone else was handling okay her brother told me that they were pretty down... I felt terrible when he apologized for not calling sooner... I told him it was okay, that I was just glad he called... But in reality, I wish he hadn't... Some people may already know, but, I'm still pretty hung up about my friend, Jesse's, death.

The cold words that told me another one of my friends had passed on keep ringing in my head. I don't know what to do. I'm in such shock that I can't get myself to cry. I talked to her brother abit longer before he hung up. I... can't believe she's gone. Nicole was always such a strong... healthy, kind girl... And to think that she's gone... It pains me... a lot. Her brother never got to telling me what happened and so I don't know why she's gone... But I don't think I want to know, and I know I don't want to have her brother tell me...

So... I'm blogging because I don't know what else to do. I'm going to miss her... A lot... And I'm sad that she had to leave... But there's a saying that keeps coming to me when someone so kind and pure that I loved dies, "God takes the good people first." I think that might be right... But it makes me sad to think about all the good people in my life... Who might be leaving my side soon...

The Sophomore C/O 2012,

Kimmy...