High school drama is so petty. I used to be a part of all of it, and at the time I thought of my issues as being top priority. But now that I'm on the outside looking in, it's petty and irritating.
I guess it's really not my place because I am so far out of the loop lately, and I don't exactly know what's going on play by play, but honestly? We're in high school, aren't we supposed to be at that point where we're beginning to mature? It's almost as if everyone is aging backwards.
People have problems figuring out their priorities in life, we can't get our acts straight, and we all care way too much. So much so that we are beginning to lose sight of what our priorities are, we are beginning to lose sight of what "straight acts" are, and we are beginning to lose people and issues in which we should care much more for. We have become a generation of neglegence and immaturity. One that must quickly find its path back to adulthood and maturity, or soon the world might actually go further to hell than it has already gone.
Recently, friends of mine have drawn this line in their "friendship." There is no longer that peachy atmosphere when I'm with them, we are no longer a group of happy bantering friends. Instead, we are a group of people divided three ways: the "right," the "wrong," and the "undecided." If you're in one half of the group, you automatically think you're in the right. If you're in the other half of the group, you think the opposing group is automatically wrong. And then of course, there is the third party group, the ones that refuse to take sides, but instead get pulled here and there, to and fro, the ones who thought by not chosing a side, life would be easier.
The feud was built up of insanely immature issues that ranged from gossip to being two-faced. What people seem to forget though, is that we can forget and ignore. One of the biggest problems in this "feud" is the fact that neither party has the will enough to turn their cheeks and walk away. If one party was to realize how immature the issue truly was, apologize, and then move on, there would be no issue. But instead, both sides refuse to talk to each other, try to make amends, and instead they go about bad mouthing each other. If something like this would actually help, I would be silenced, not another would would be spoken. But nothing is solved. No issues are resolved, and instead this stolstice drags on. Each party remains adamant and does nothing. Each day drags on, and instead of inching towards a resolution, both parties remain stubborn and badmouth each other.
The fingers are constantly pointed, "He said this to me about this and this," or "She said this about you and then said this, she's such a bitch." Honestly? We're supposed to be approaching adulthood. That means we're supposed to be growing up, we're supposed to be mastering the art of conflict resolution! What is happening!
UGH.
ANYHOW, I have an essay to write. I shall finish this rant later.
Kimmy
Monday, March 21, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Am I Growing Up or Growing Down...?
Gah! The dilemas of a high school teenager just never seem to end!
The past few days have been full of confusion. I haven't had the time to think and pin-point the exact reason for this confusion, but I'm going to take a guess.
My guess:
I lack time in life and I don't hang out with my friends as much as I used to so I've gone out of wack! This and I'm pretty sure I'm falling for a guy, but yet again, I'm not sure as to why...
So my freshman and sophomore years were full of fun and craziness. I was always out and hanging out with my friends. I used to go with my friends to shop and just enjoy my youth; I worked a lot, but not nearly as much as I do this year. This year, my junior year of hell, has been a roller coaster ride that seems to never end. Just as I endure one crazy slope of insanity, I find myself of another one. It's like everytime I fix something in my life, another something has to come and screw everything up.
An example would be my friendship. I talked to a trusted friend and he told me part of the reason for the distance I had been feeling with my friends was that they felt like I didn't care for them anymore, almost as if my work was more important than they were, and they disliked my "constant complaining and pessimism." I took a lot of that into consideration and got to talking with my friend. We talked and I cried a lot, and I mean a lot, like there seriously could have been a flood in my room, and then we were okay. Things were kind of straightened out. Then things were up an uphill climb again! I was sitting here trying to change but nothing I did would change my so-called "constant pessimism."
I thought about my dilema and though this might sound a little immature, I came to the conclusion that I honestly didn't think of myself as being a constanty complaining pessimisitc girl. My friends tell me I am, but honestly? This might sound mean, but I have a friend who constantly worries about her relationship with her firm and rock-solid boyfriend. I understand her worries and fears because she and I did go through a crap ton of stuff last year, but honestly? It gets to the point where she and I end up talking badly about a girl who for all we care, is just trying to make amends with us. I have a friend who always complains about her work (but it's almost justified because she has SO much work!) and yet no one says anything about her, I have a friend who is really unfortunate and just can't get a break when it comes to relationships, she doesn't show her pain a lot of the time, but she doesn't hide it all that well. The group of friends I hang out with is always weary and we always feel like we have to be cautious of what we say.
I admit, I do complain and I am a somewhat pessimistic, but a lot of it comes more from paranoia. I feel kind of upset? angry? that everyone else seems to have the right to complain or worry constantly or what not whenever they like without being shot down and yet I voice myself and get shot down. I'm paranoid, that I can admit to, but it comes with reason. My friends do have a lot of boundaries, but I think that the boundaries I have and the punishment that comes with crossing my boundaries are almost more severe than their punishment. As far as I'm concerned, my friends get grounded or don't get to hang out after school. If I do something wrong, first it starts with me getting yelled at, then escalates to me cowering because I don't to be hit, harsh words, harsh actions, and a constant stream of tears.
I do voice a lot of my complaints, but I feel like if not with my friends, then who else? Shouldn't my friends be the one to listen to me and try to help me and sympathize with me? And I don't complain 24/7, I'm not a pessimist 24/7, and I'm sure of this. But it's like my friends only see the negative in me. They don't see my jokes, they don't see my smiles, they don't hear my laughter, and they don't feel my joy.
I think another part of it has to do with my wish to be recognized. I want my friends to see how hard I'm trying. I want them to know that I really am working as fast as I can to try and make more time for them, I am thinking more before I speak to reduce the amount of complaint and pessimism, I am more cautious of what I say, and I do try harder than usual just to be a part of something. But I can't help but to feel disappointed. My effort goes unnoticed. Instead I have a friend who I consider to be my best friend tell me how I'm mean and overstepping lines and trying to make my little brother be something he's not because I scold him for doing things that are wrong. It's almost ironic because we had an AP English essay prompt during class that discussed the integrity of the nation in which we live in and how parents are almost encouraging the bad. You might ask, "Well why do YOU do the scolding and not your parents?" Because, my parents usually don't find out unless I tell them. "Why don't you tell them?" Because then it becomes hell in my home and I don't like it when I hear people screaming and yelling bad things, throwing things around, and breaking what little bonds we have built up over time.
I know I'm only an older sister to my brother, but if I don't catch him and shine the light to a better path for him, no one can. My parents can only do so much, and they're about ready to give up on everything now. My dad, he's already distant as it is, seeing as he was always at work and always away training. My mother, she's worn out, she doesn't know what else she can do. My parents are giving up on my baby brother. They're almost positive he'll end up poor and jobless when he grows up. Even the school can't do much. They just give him the detentions, lectures, and speeches, and I'm sure 99% of those lectures and/or speeches get through to him. If that's how it is, shouldn't it be my duty to uphold and push my brother forward? Shouldn't it be my job to give my brother that small light of hope no matter how bad things get? If not, then I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I know this is a rant, but no one has to read this right? When my rants are verbal people are going to hear me, but if it's here, then unless you want to read on, you don't really have to, right? I don't know. I started this entry with the intention of telling you all about my amusing day yesterday but it turned into this.
SO, while I'm on that subject, to a brighter subject! My crush as of recent. He's a nice guy, sweet from what I can tell, smart, and athletic. He's cute and he's funny. And most of all, he's different. He's not the typical guy from what I've gathered so far. I enjoy talking to him and I find myself in a constant stage of blush and shy away when I'm around him. Do I hear a fail? But we do talk, though, I'm pretty sure I come off as a total failure and dope in front of him. Eh... Oh well I guess? But it would be nice if he liked me back and told me... Tehe, yeah, I'm still a teenager inside so don't judge me! Hehe... :]
AND, I will tell you about my EPIC day yesterday. So, I got partnered up with my crush for a lab in AP Environmental Science, we did the lab, with a little difficulty seeing as we were both totally clueless. It was fun, he and I had our OMG WHAT HAPPENED! moments, but funny. I got to know him a little bit and that was nice. Then school ended. This is when the fun really started.
I met up with my four fav. girl friends and we decided that since it was a great day and we all wanted Starbucks, we'd go to Starbucks! So along we went all chirpy and such, and then there was a curb. My friends started to "crab-walk" the curb and soon I found myself joining them. We crossed by Popeyes and then suddenly the man sitting outside talked in Korean and was saying something on the lines of, "What are you doing in front of me?!" I thought he was directing the question toward me and so did my other friend who speaks Korean. But then we looked back and saw this other man who worked at Popeyes following us. We all busted out laughing. My friend and I walked up the hill normally while my other three friends did their little thing. Then we got to a middle school building and this teacher walked by. He saw my friends and busted out laughing and joking around saying things like, "DO I GOTTA CALL 911 TO TELL THEM WE HAVE TEENS WALKING IN A CIRCLE?!" Yes, very funny.
So we skipped along by, we go to Starbucks, I got my green tea frappacino (much love :]) and my other friends got their drinks. It was such a nice day that we sat outside and one of my friends wanted to take a picture of us all drinking Starbucks for an AP English assignment we were doing. We all agreed and we stood up so that the picture would be clear. For about five minutes we fiddled with the camera and tried to figure out how to set it so that we could put it on timer etc. Now by this time, this lady and her grand daughter I assume? and a man sitting in the table next to ours had noticed us. I guess we looked pretty rediculous because the man finally got up and said something like, "You know, I could always take the picture for you?" Of course we all busted out laughing again, the lady saying, "I was going to ask just before you!" And so we got our picture. We talked, then a friend and I figured it was time to go home so we said good-bye to the three friends already there and left.
So that about sums up the fun part of yesterday.
Today was pretty interesting too. My classes, eh, not all that fun. Seminar (homeroom, whatever you want to call it) was fun. I did the SSR (Silent Sustained Reading) for the 20 minutes and then figured I ought to go to the track coach's class to fulfill my duty as the track manager. Well, my crush is in that seminar, and he needed the lab sheet to fill out information on his. I took that and my track folder with me.
He wasn't there, but that didn't really bother me seeing as I had stuff to do. I finished my duties for track and then gave him the lab paper. Then we got talking about something, we ended up sitting down at computers (the track head coach is also a teacher who uses computers as part of his teaching) to talk and research etc. Fun, fun. He's a nice person. I really think he's cute. Bahahahhaha. I'm blushing. Ahahaha! But then seminar ended, I met up with my amigas and we went to Starbucks again... :D
Nothing really eventful happened on our way up. The friend I walked home with was having a bad day so she and I walked ahead and talked about it while the three other friends did their little curb crab-walk thing. We got Starbucks, talked, then I left to go home. I met up with two other underclassmen buddies while walking home and the girl and I made fun of the poor boy who had broken his ankle. Fun, fun. Oh, and I walked into this guy and he looked down at me like, "WTFudge!?" I kinda ran my way home after that.
And so, that about sums up today for the most part too?
UNTIL NEXT TIME!!!
Kimmy
The past few days have been full of confusion. I haven't had the time to think and pin-point the exact reason for this confusion, but I'm going to take a guess.
My guess:
I lack time in life and I don't hang out with my friends as much as I used to so I've gone out of wack! This and I'm pretty sure I'm falling for a guy, but yet again, I'm not sure as to why...
So my freshman and sophomore years were full of fun and craziness. I was always out and hanging out with my friends. I used to go with my friends to shop and just enjoy my youth; I worked a lot, but not nearly as much as I do this year. This year, my junior year of hell, has been a roller coaster ride that seems to never end. Just as I endure one crazy slope of insanity, I find myself of another one. It's like everytime I fix something in my life, another something has to come and screw everything up.
An example would be my friendship. I talked to a trusted friend and he told me part of the reason for the distance I had been feeling with my friends was that they felt like I didn't care for them anymore, almost as if my work was more important than they were, and they disliked my "constant complaining and pessimism." I took a lot of that into consideration and got to talking with my friend. We talked and I cried a lot, and I mean a lot, like there seriously could have been a flood in my room, and then we were okay. Things were kind of straightened out. Then things were up an uphill climb again! I was sitting here trying to change but nothing I did would change my so-called "constant pessimism."
I thought about my dilema and though this might sound a little immature, I came to the conclusion that I honestly didn't think of myself as being a constanty complaining pessimisitc girl. My friends tell me I am, but honestly? This might sound mean, but I have a friend who constantly worries about her relationship with her firm and rock-solid boyfriend. I understand her worries and fears because she and I did go through a crap ton of stuff last year, but honestly? It gets to the point where she and I end up talking badly about a girl who for all we care, is just trying to make amends with us. I have a friend who always complains about her work (but it's almost justified because she has SO much work!) and yet no one says anything about her, I have a friend who is really unfortunate and just can't get a break when it comes to relationships, she doesn't show her pain a lot of the time, but she doesn't hide it all that well. The group of friends I hang out with is always weary and we always feel like we have to be cautious of what we say.
I admit, I do complain and I am a somewhat pessimistic, but a lot of it comes more from paranoia. I feel kind of upset? angry? that everyone else seems to have the right to complain or worry constantly or what not whenever they like without being shot down and yet I voice myself and get shot down. I'm paranoid, that I can admit to, but it comes with reason. My friends do have a lot of boundaries, but I think that the boundaries I have and the punishment that comes with crossing my boundaries are almost more severe than their punishment. As far as I'm concerned, my friends get grounded or don't get to hang out after school. If I do something wrong, first it starts with me getting yelled at, then escalates to me cowering because I don't to be hit, harsh words, harsh actions, and a constant stream of tears.
I do voice a lot of my complaints, but I feel like if not with my friends, then who else? Shouldn't my friends be the one to listen to me and try to help me and sympathize with me? And I don't complain 24/7, I'm not a pessimist 24/7, and I'm sure of this. But it's like my friends only see the negative in me. They don't see my jokes, they don't see my smiles, they don't hear my laughter, and they don't feel my joy.
I think another part of it has to do with my wish to be recognized. I want my friends to see how hard I'm trying. I want them to know that I really am working as fast as I can to try and make more time for them, I am thinking more before I speak to reduce the amount of complaint and pessimism, I am more cautious of what I say, and I do try harder than usual just to be a part of something. But I can't help but to feel disappointed. My effort goes unnoticed. Instead I have a friend who I consider to be my best friend tell me how I'm mean and overstepping lines and trying to make my little brother be something he's not because I scold him for doing things that are wrong. It's almost ironic because we had an AP English essay prompt during class that discussed the integrity of the nation in which we live in and how parents are almost encouraging the bad. You might ask, "Well why do YOU do the scolding and not your parents?" Because, my parents usually don't find out unless I tell them. "Why don't you tell them?" Because then it becomes hell in my home and I don't like it when I hear people screaming and yelling bad things, throwing things around, and breaking what little bonds we have built up over time.
I know I'm only an older sister to my brother, but if I don't catch him and shine the light to a better path for him, no one can. My parents can only do so much, and they're about ready to give up on everything now. My dad, he's already distant as it is, seeing as he was always at work and always away training. My mother, she's worn out, she doesn't know what else she can do. My parents are giving up on my baby brother. They're almost positive he'll end up poor and jobless when he grows up. Even the school can't do much. They just give him the detentions, lectures, and speeches, and I'm sure 99% of those lectures and/or speeches get through to him. If that's how it is, shouldn't it be my duty to uphold and push my brother forward? Shouldn't it be my job to give my brother that small light of hope no matter how bad things get? If not, then I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I know this is a rant, but no one has to read this right? When my rants are verbal people are going to hear me, but if it's here, then unless you want to read on, you don't really have to, right? I don't know. I started this entry with the intention of telling you all about my amusing day yesterday but it turned into this.
SO, while I'm on that subject, to a brighter subject! My crush as of recent. He's a nice guy, sweet from what I can tell, smart, and athletic. He's cute and he's funny. And most of all, he's different. He's not the typical guy from what I've gathered so far. I enjoy talking to him and I find myself in a constant stage of blush and shy away when I'm around him. Do I hear a fail? But we do talk, though, I'm pretty sure I come off as a total failure and dope in front of him. Eh... Oh well I guess? But it would be nice if he liked me back and told me... Tehe, yeah, I'm still a teenager inside so don't judge me! Hehe... :]
AND, I will tell you about my EPIC day yesterday. So, I got partnered up with my crush for a lab in AP Environmental Science, we did the lab, with a little difficulty seeing as we were both totally clueless. It was fun, he and I had our OMG WHAT HAPPENED! moments, but funny. I got to know him a little bit and that was nice. Then school ended. This is when the fun really started.
I met up with my four fav. girl friends and we decided that since it was a great day and we all wanted Starbucks, we'd go to Starbucks! So along we went all chirpy and such, and then there was a curb. My friends started to "crab-walk" the curb and soon I found myself joining them. We crossed by Popeyes and then suddenly the man sitting outside talked in Korean and was saying something on the lines of, "What are you doing in front of me?!" I thought he was directing the question toward me and so did my other friend who speaks Korean. But then we looked back and saw this other man who worked at Popeyes following us. We all busted out laughing. My friend and I walked up the hill normally while my other three friends did their little thing. Then we got to a middle school building and this teacher walked by. He saw my friends and busted out laughing and joking around saying things like, "DO I GOTTA CALL 911 TO TELL THEM WE HAVE TEENS WALKING IN A CIRCLE?!" Yes, very funny.
So we skipped along by, we go to Starbucks, I got my green tea frappacino (much love :]) and my other friends got their drinks. It was such a nice day that we sat outside and one of my friends wanted to take a picture of us all drinking Starbucks for an AP English assignment we were doing. We all agreed and we stood up so that the picture would be clear. For about five minutes we fiddled with the camera and tried to figure out how to set it so that we could put it on timer etc. Now by this time, this lady and her grand daughter I assume? and a man sitting in the table next to ours had noticed us. I guess we looked pretty rediculous because the man finally got up and said something like, "You know, I could always take the picture for you?" Of course we all busted out laughing again, the lady saying, "I was going to ask just before you!" And so we got our picture. We talked, then a friend and I figured it was time to go home so we said good-bye to the three friends already there and left.
So that about sums up the fun part of yesterday.
Today was pretty interesting too. My classes, eh, not all that fun. Seminar (homeroom, whatever you want to call it) was fun. I did the SSR (Silent Sustained Reading) for the 20 minutes and then figured I ought to go to the track coach's class to fulfill my duty as the track manager. Well, my crush is in that seminar, and he needed the lab sheet to fill out information on his. I took that and my track folder with me.
He wasn't there, but that didn't really bother me seeing as I had stuff to do. I finished my duties for track and then gave him the lab paper. Then we got talking about something, we ended up sitting down at computers (the track head coach is also a teacher who uses computers as part of his teaching) to talk and research etc. Fun, fun. He's a nice person. I really think he's cute. Bahahahhaha. I'm blushing. Ahahaha! But then seminar ended, I met up with my amigas and we went to Starbucks again... :D
Nothing really eventful happened on our way up. The friend I walked home with was having a bad day so she and I walked ahead and talked about it while the three other friends did their little curb crab-walk thing. We got Starbucks, talked, then I left to go home. I met up with two other underclassmen buddies while walking home and the girl and I made fun of the poor boy who had broken his ankle. Fun, fun. Oh, and I walked into this guy and he looked down at me like, "WTFudge!?" I kinda ran my way home after that.
And so, that about sums up today for the most part too?
UNTIL NEXT TIME!!!
Kimmy
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