So I was talking to someone and they told me that I did stupid things that only hurt me. I got mad because if that person had known the thought and reason that went behind a lot of what I did, they wouldn't even dare thinking that.
Case 1:
I was with this guy I met in the beginning of the year... And dear souls, I fell for him. I fell hard. But as time progressed I had new friends and I found out that one of my best friends liked him. And I also knew that I was hurting him and that my friend could do so much more for him. She would treat him so much better. At this same time, another one of my best friends, a guy this time, liked me. He'd liked me for about 5 1/2 ~ 6 years. He was afraid that he'd move and never get his chance to show me who he was. So here I am stuck in between these strings of supposed "love". I'll be honest with you, I did sort of like my best friend who knew me from 5th grade. But I really liked the guy I was with at the time. Still, as time progressed, my best friend, let's call her "Jane" for now, really liked my current boy friend at the time, let's call him "Jack". And I knew that, let's call the third friend "Jake", really wanted to go out with me before he left if he ever left.
I also knew that Jane was falling hard for Jack and every time she saw me with him, she was hurting. So I decided to do something that would kill me little by little inside. I knew I would come to regret this decision later but what could I do?! I didn't have anyone there at the time to talk to. One of my better friends, let's call him John, decided he was going to cut off from me. Then the other friends I had were too busy with their own lives and drama to care for mine. They were much too busy venting and telling me to care about what was happening in my life.
Which brings me to the venting of what was happening in my life at the time...
I was having a HARD time. My brother decided school and religion wasn't good enough for him. He was so into skating that his grades weren't great. I was desperate to show him you could do everything at once. Which was why I joined like four clubs, and did the cross country managing. My parents, they were constantly fighting, mostly because my brother's grades and because the atmosphere at home. My dad was planning on retiring from the military and there weren't any jobs at the time. We were worried that we wouldn't find a job and that we'd be shipped back to America only to live in a house struggling to find a job. So everything that went wrong, even the smallest things like a piece of dirt on the ground, or a crumb on the table, set off a catastrophe. Because of this I knew better than to ask for too much or to say anything. Still I gave my dad the stink eye and got grounded.
Then adding to this, I was sick. I knew it, my parents knew it, and so did the rest of my family. Because of that my parents were even more stressed. They kept asking themselves, "How are we going to deal with this child's medical bills if we don't get a job? How can we keep her up and running? What if she dies?" and all of those questions. But I knew I would be fine, yet everytime I said so they'd yell at me and get mad at me. So I just gave up on that.
As if what was happening wasn't bad enough my social life was turning to trash. I couldn't get my life straigh. And I was pushing one too many things into an already wrecked schedule. My skin was getting really messed up and my sleeping habits were even worse than before. My life felt like it was coming to an end.
But yes, that is what I was dealing with at the time when I was worring about Jane, Jack, and Jake. John was just MIA. My foundation pillar was gone and so the building was falling apart. Anyhow, so I made my decision. I would give Jane her chance and lessen her pain. I would give Jack he chance to find the girl who would really make him know how special he was. And I would give Jake the chance he wanted. But... I would have to hurt myself inside... and outside too as I later found out.
I broke up with Jack and let Jane have her way... I hated her so much deep inside and Jack too. Jane for liking the one guy in the world that she shouldn't like and Jack for doing what ever he did to make her like him. And Jake asked me out and we began to go out. And at this time John decided to come to the rescue, a little bit late... But early enough that I didn't end the life I was living. Though I tell you now I had no intentions of ending my life, as miserable as it was...
Things began to look up, my father got a job, my brother was smart and chose the better path, his grades raised, my life became slightly easier because cross country season ended and I didn't have to manage. And everything was looking up... Still I felt a pang of guilt and some random emotion in my heart. I realized a little bit too late that I didn't want to give up Jack and I didn't want Jane to like him and be with him. I realized too late that though I liked Jake, Jack was the one I actually wanted to be with at the time.
And so my life came slowly to a stop. It hurt. I'm hurt. I don't know what to do. I thought I was doing everyone a favor but in reality, I was hurting everyone more. Can you imagine how hurt Jake would be if I told him the truth or that I didn't want to be with him? And Jane, I told her today that I hated her but I loved her more as my best friend and that is why it hurt more, can you imagine the pain that must cause her...? And dearest Jack... He told me he still likes me and that he would wait for me if I asked him... I know that must hurt him... And a friend told me that when I hugged Jake, that Jack looked away and looked like he was going to scream in agony. I hate myself for what I've done. All I ever wanted was for everyone around me to be happy... But I just made it worse... And John, can you imagine how annoying it is to hear me whine about my problems like this to him all the time? How annoyed he must be hearing about the stupid mistakes that I've made? Mistakes that should never have been made...
In Denial...
Kim
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