Rainbow Tears

Give your heart time to reason with you before you block it out...
Because if you don't...
You'll just hurt it more...

When you feel that nudge from inside and you see those two figures on your shoulders you should stop and listen to them. Sometimes they talk a lot of crap, but most of the time its your deeper self thinking about the problem at hand... The problem that usually you have an answer to... Just you don't want to listen to it. You see those two bickering on your shoulder and ignore them. But really that just hurts you more, it hurts your heart and your sanity. It hurts your better judgement and it hurts everyone around you, because believe it or not, when you hurt, they hurt.

I have these two great friends, I'm not going to use their names but I will use their initials, KC and AH. They're the greatest gals in the world and I met both of them during cross country. I didn't know KC or AH very well in the beginning and I thought that I would never get to know them. But as time flew by we got close and then well now I love them both like sisters! But... Its funny... The three of us, we're twisted together into this big bunch and its just... Yeah! Like our fates are seriously twisted together into this big tapestry! What makes it funnier is that a lot of what happens is because of things going on around us.

Our most recent discovery is that the three of us like this one single guy, an ex of mine, RG. What sucks even more than the three besties liking the same guy is that guy going around and telling each of us he likes us. Its sick and it makes me wanna hurl. I've been played a few times and each time it hurts, but NEVER have I been played like this. I cried so hard last night that I was surprised I could open my eyes this morning. Never have I felt a pain so deep... Something that scarred me so much inside... As if the crap I go through at home wasn't enough? As if losing touch with some of my friends isn't enough? As if all the drama I have invading my poor life isn't enough? And I feel terrible because I know, even now as I complain, that there are people who have it much harder than I do. But I have to say something... Because if I don't, I don't know what I'll do... If I don't let this out, I know something inside me is going to be lost, forever.

Anyhow... I cried last night because so much was hurting me and I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. I was hurting deep down. I miss my life from before. I miss EVERYTHING. I thought I was over RG but I realized I wasn't when I felt guilty for being jealous of KC and AH, because he had kissed them both. He probably never got around to kissing me because I knew to keep distance... And as much as I wanted him I knew I was going to regret it. So I never let him in, and well now I wonder if I should have kept him with me. Maybe if I'd done that he never would have gotten around to screwing around with two of my best friends. I don't know. But it hurts. A lot. I know that I could have stopped all that crap from happening yet I didn't know it. So not only am I hurt, but I'm lost. And speaking of lost, I'm losing sleep over so much stuff lately that its amazing no one's noticed yet. Maybe I should be proud of my acting skills and my wonderful physically recovering body?

I hate how things work lately though... So today I finally went through my after school detention, and guess who found out? CA, a friend who really grinds on my nerves lately. He went and told a lot of people about it. And quite frankly, that pissed me off. I don't like it when people go around saying crap about my life when its MY LIFE and they know NOTHING about it. Like another dear friend, someone who has also grinded on my nerves a lot lately, AC. He keeps thinking that he knows everything then he goes and brags about it to everyone when in reality, he knows not even the smallest finger's worth of what goes on. And to make everything worse, I feel like all my anger and hurt is pushing me further away from God.

I was praying last night and I kept getting distracted, I'd be praying for one thing but then all of a sudden I'd think about that thing I was praying for and get so off topic that my prayer was just me ranting to myself! Ugh... Maybe all I really need is a long day of nothing but time with God...

I need help... My body, mind, heart, soul... They're all too exhuasted now... Nothing more I can say...
I want out.

Needing to let my heart reason with me before I block everything out...

BANannaSAD