Has time already...

...passed by so fast? The days edge forward and its almost time... I can't help but to miss you more and more as the days go by. The sun was shining and by His grace, but only to remind me of what lies ahead. By what grace was I left here while you left? By what cursed blessing was I left alone here on this earth of misery while you left to spend your life in eternity? I miss you.
It's that time of the year, the one where most parents rejoice that their children have survived another year. My soul mate, Jesse, should have been turning 16 on the 26th of February... But he had an early appointment with God and so here I am waiting for that day to come... So that we can celebrate his birthday, me and him. Just like it used to be. I was told by his sister that I was a fool to be hurting myself and reminding myself of him but there was something I promised him I'd do on his 16th birthday for him. And I plan on doing it. It hurts though, because this event, his 16th birthday, was supposed to be special, with us surrounded by friends.

But now its us me. I asked a friend who used to be close to Jesse and me if she remembered who's birthday was coming up. She looked at me like I was crazy and asked, "Who's?" When I said, "Jesse's," She looked at me yet again and said, "Oh, the dead guy?" How could she say something so... So hurtful?

It was like someone had stabbed a dagger through my heart all over again. I saw him in my arms again, as he breathed his last breath. I miss him. I hate him for breaking our promise. He left me here. My angel, probably too busy enjoying his life in heaven, has forgotten me. Or so it feels anyways. Still my heart aches for him and though I've accepted his death I always feel sad... Hurt...

I miss him with every cell in my body, my every being craves to remember his touch, his voice, his smell, his many wonderful corny-jokes. But with the months that have gone by I remember less of him. I remember what he looks like, and his voice, and his smell, but I forget what his many jokes were, or what his favorite clothes were, or where he liked to go when he was with me. I'm forgetting him and I'm afraid. What if the day comes where I forget him and I need his presence?
His sister tells me that his mom has already removed all traces of him in their house in attempt to ease his father's pain. It hurts me to know that someone suffers so much as to get the point where the only solution is to forget of his existance. I talked to his father and well... He wasn't his old merry self anymore.

M: Hey Daddo.
D: Hey Kiddums!
M: How've you been...?
D: Just... Empty but that's okay. And you sweet heart?
M: I've been better, things aren't like they used to be.
D: ... Before Jesse...?
M: ...
D: Its okay, you can say it sweetie.
M: ... I miss him.
D: ... Me too honey, me too...
M: Then how come you're letting them take his memory away from you?
D: Because Kiddum, it hurts too much. I don't know how you've been coping, but I think my age has made me weak.
M: Then what happens when I need to talk to you about Jesse...? What happens when the day comes and you need to remember him?
D: Then I'll turn to you, my strong little bug!!
M: Aw Daddo... You can't be serious about forgetting him...?
D: -Sigh-...
M: ... His birthday is in three days...
D: ... I know.
M: I'm doing something special for him...
D: I knew you would. Thank you.
M: For what?
D: For keeping my son alive through your memories.
M: ...
D: I have to go Kiddum, I love you and I pray that God keeps you strong. Thank you.

.........

That's almost exactly the conversation we had. I cut out most of the middle and such but it hurt. I could tell that everytime he mentioned Jesse he held back tears. I saw his pain and it pained me even more to know that such a strong man had been degraded to such an emotionally unstable person...

BANannaHURT