Nostalgia

Nostalgia

1. A wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time: a nostalgia for his college days.


2. The condition of being homesick; homesickness.

3. A wistful or excessively sentimental sometimes abnormal yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition.

4. A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past.

I feel... Nostalgic. I miss how things used to be. I have a bittesweet longing for my past, the past that gave me joy for no reasons. The past where I could be happy just by doing the smallest thing. In my past, before, I could smile and do what ever I wanted and be happy without reason. Being happy came naturally to me, but now, its almost as if someone turned off the happy switch inside me. What the hell happened to me!?

I have this strong yearning for what I used to have, so strong that I almost went on my knees and begged my father to buy me a plane ticket to where ever. Anywhere but HERE was perfect. But it hit me fast and hard right then, no matter where I go, if this isn't fixed here and now, its going to catch up to me. Its going to come back at me two times harder than before. And if I don't fix this here and now it will ruin me, forever.

When I think back, into my past I mean, I feel this sense of loss inside of me. Its like there's a HUGE hole there now. One that can no longer be filled with what ever was there before. Hurt doesn't even begin to describe what I feel when I think about this loss. Someone or something stole something that is dear to me, something that I can no longer replace. It feels like this gaping hole inside me cannot be filled in ever again. It feels like I will grow old and with time there will be cobwebs and dust in that hole. I cannot help but to wonder to myself, "God, what have I done so wrong as to deserve this?" Still much to my disappointment there is no answer yet.

Prayer...
I am hurting, I need you Father. Help US. Help THEM. We NEED You Father, only Your light can help us through this mess... Help me Father. Help me be strong. Help me see right from wrong, help me. Help me be the "mother" of this group of loved ones. Let them see not a weak and feeble girl, but a strong and courageous daughter of God. Let Your light shine through me, so that I may share it and see it in my family and friends. Give me the courage I need to not be afraid but to face these demons head on Father. Forgive us of every sin Father, wash us clean and let our hearts be purified. Let our souls yearn for you Father, so that when we find YOU our hearts will accept you and let you in. Help us in our struggle. Forgive our every sin Father... The sin of lies, the sin of not caring, the sin of blunt blindness, the sin of hurting others, the sin of putting upon others the blame that should be on us. Father help us. Purge our souls of this misery... Let us rely on your power and strength and love Father...

In your Holy name I pray,
Amen.

BANannaHOPE